


after you

by racingshadows



Category: Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, spoilers for ch 28 and 28.5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 21:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20731280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/racingshadows/pseuds/racingshadows
Summary: There’s something about playing drums that Akihiko always loves. It’s something within control, yeah, but it’s also about the beats that match his heart and his ears are full of sounds of other instruments until he can no longer keep up. All he knows is to keep playing.Then, at the corner of his eye, he sees it; Haruki turning to his way with a big smile on his face. Akihiko smirks; he knows Haruki can feel it too.(or: Akihiko has loved Haruki from the start.)





	after you

There’s something about playing drums that Akihiko always loves. It’s something within control, yeah, but it’s also about the beats that match his heart and his ears are full of sounds of other instruments until he can no longer keep up. All he knows is to keep playing.

Then, at the corner of his eye, he sees it; Haruki turning to his way with a big smile on his face. Akihiko smirks; he knows Haruki can feel it too.

The light is too bright, Akihiko can barely see the audience, he can only see a glimpse of Mafuyu’s back and Uenoyama’s fingers. But he keeps on playing; his hands are sweating and his feet will hurt later, but he keeps on playing.

_Ah,_ Akihiko thinks, _music had never felt so good before_.

*

Akihiko wants to know what that glasses guy is to Haruki. Haruki seems more relaxed and smiles a lot when he’s around.

Akihiko doesn’t dare to come in. He’s just standing in front of the door to the cafe. He can only see them talking, and that glasses guy hands Haruki something. Akihiko can only stare, until Haruki covers his face with his hands, and… is he… _embarrassed?_ That is where Akihiko steps in, just in time to see Haruki’s cheeks are tinted with red and embarrassment and probably, probably Akihiko comes to the wrong time, but he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t know what kind of face he’s making when they two spot him, but he doesn’t care. He remembers last night, he deliberately touched Haruki’s hair right in front of that guy, making a comment or two about it, just to _show_ him that Haruki is…

Is what?

Akihiko stops his train of thoughts.

Haruki is never his, to begin with. Not even when Akihiko is still caught up in a whatever-this-is-probably-in-a-fucked-up-way thing with Ugetsu, and where he has nowhere else to go.

He hears Haruki stammers, “Th-this is not what you think…!”

*

Akihiko doesn’t know what he wants to prove. The basement that does not have any view to the outside world seems like not the kind of place where he can _do_ something. Even if his whole world is there, even if his drums are there, his violin, Ugetsu…

He lits a cigarette, and the smell probably wakes Ugetsu, as he scoots to the edge of bed where Akihiko sits, and he wraps his arms around Akihiko’s waist.

Sometimes Akihiko feels fondness and doting toward Ugetsu. Sometimes there’s resentment, burning in his veins all the way through himself as the question _How could you, how could you_plays over and over again in his ears until it reaches a crescendo. Sometimes he just doesn’t know what to feel.

He thinks of Haruki; of his smile and frown and any kind of expression he is not afraid to show. He talks and shows Akihiko little things he probably doesn’t notice he’s doing; he’s talking to him with certain admiration in his voice, he pushes a strand of his hair that gets in his eyes to see Akhiko better, he unknowingly stares and gives Akihiko a small, soft smile.

Akihiko exhales the smoke; he still doesn’t know what to prove.

*

Akihiko just wants to be _good enough_. He wants someone— anyone to say it to him that he is good, and probably he wants them to say he’s more than enough.

But he will always be less than enough, that is what he realizes when he storms out of that basement, before he decides to call Haruki.

*

_“I’ll do anything for you…”_

_Don’t_, is what Akihiko wants to say, to scream, to carve it on Haruki’s brain so he will remember that he should _not_ waste his time on him; broken and shameful and overall, someone Haruki will _not do_ anything for Akihiko. 

_Don’t. Don’t say that._

Yet he can never bring himself to voice it out loud, to let it echo in the room.

*

It has been days since Akihiko stays in Haruki’s place. 

Sometimes Haruki will run his hand on his hair, until he touches his nape and his eyes wide, almost as if realizing his hair is short now. And Akihiko watches him, the guilt creeping up on him and his hands.

It’s not as if Akihiko doesn’t like Haruki’s new hair. It’s not as if Akihiko has fantasized what kind of noise Haruki would have made if Akihiko _pulled_ his hair. But as Akihiko watches him, Haruki’s nape looks smooth, clear, and Haruki’s shoulder blades stand out under his shirt.

Akihiko swallows, and he stands up, muttering, “Bathroom.” when Haruki turns around and shoots him a look.

*

Akihiko can see how Uenoyama falls for Mafuyu.

Mafuyu is quiet, doesn’t say much, always looks like he’s puzzled, innocent. 

It’s hard to believe someone like him hides so much pain and sadness. Except maybe he’s not hiding, he just doesn’t know what to say, or what to show. 

When Akihiko hears how Mafuyu got his guitar, he thinks, _So we’re alike then._

His answer is just him ruffling Mafuyu’s hair, and he says he’s glad things are working out for both of them.

“Kaji-san, too… I hope things are working out for you and Haruki-san…”

Akihiko remembers how Mafuyu told him what he realized, what Akihiko didn’t show in front of Haruki. Akihiko can only smirk, and lit his cigarette.

“We really are alike, Mafuyu.”

Perhaps this is what it’s like having a little brother.

*

Deliberately, Mafuyu is the first one to realize the drums and bass are in sync, during practice. And he tells them, looking right at Akihiko.

*

Slowly, Haruki treats him like before. But he’s still being careful, keeping his distance an arm away, and Akihiko understands.

*

Things change, but slowly, Haruki lets Akihiko offer him a ride on his motorcycle. He lets Akihiko put on the helmet on his head. From the rear view mirror, Akihiko can see Haruki watch the road around them in awe. 

Akihiko finds himself smiling.

*

One time, after late night practice, Uenoyama and Mafuyu have gone home already. Akihiko and Haruki miss the last train, so they’re walking. 

Time passes, without them noticing, as they keep talking and stopping and laughing. It is fun. Haruki is easy to amuse, easy to make laugh.

*

When they get home, they’re still laughing. Haruki lies on the floor.

“I’m all sweaty,” he complains.

It’s true; the white shirt he’s wearing is now seen-through, and sweats are still on his skin; face, neck, collarbone. He closes his eyes as he wipes his forehead.

Akihiko swallows, pushing some thoughts from his mind, as he mutters, “I’m going to take a shower.”

*

He respects Haruki, truly. If cutting his hair means he no longer likes Akihiko, then so be it. Akihiko will not mention anything about it again, will not try to touch him, and will do anything he wishes.

But. It’s hard. Especially these days when everything just goes back to normal, like they used to, when Haruki smiles and laughs at him. When practice is tiring but also fun. When everything falls in the right place.

*

Before it starts, Akihiko sees him.

Ugetsu.

In the crowd.

He tilts his head with wonder in his eyes and also a small smile on his face, almost as if he’s saying, _Let’s see what you’ve got._

_What an arrogant genius_, Akihiko thinks. But his hands won’t stop trembling, he has already dropped his sticks numerous times, and Haruki has picked them up, again. 

“Get a grip of yourself.” He tells Akihiko.

Akihiko frowns behind his back. _I’m trying_.

*

When they’re finished, Akihiko’s whole body is trembling, his heart beats too fast, as he notices Ugetsu starts to leave, and Akihiko wants to follow. But, he owes something to Haruki.

“Haruki!” He calls out his name, and Haruki turns around to face him. Akihiko stops, and sees, gazes at Haruki’s confused look, still sweating, and his body is also trembling. “I… gotta go see someone off at the station.”

“Okay?” Haruki’s still puzzled. “But the next one is going to start…”

“I will come back right away,” Akihiko replies, with so much confidence in his voice because he knows, he _knows_, it’ll all be over, before he knows it. It’ll all be over, so Akihiko can finally, come back.

Haruki’s gaze softens; and Akihiko’s heart leaps. It’s the look Haruki had given to him numerous times, _before_.

*

It’s kinda sad leaving Haruki’s place, where Akihiko is already familiar with Haruki’s scent and his presence in it. He bows down to Haruki, saying his thankfulness.

_And,_ Akihiko thinks, _I hope I can come back here, as a better person._

*

And Akihiko does. 

He doesn’t let go of Haruki’s hand when they’re inside, he pulls Haruki to him and starts kissing him, with more eagerness as his hands roam on Haruki’s skin. He wants to make up for the time they have lost, the times when he regrets he was not brave enough.

Haruki pulls away. “Akihiko,” he says, breathless. And, fuck, he is so, so _pretty_, blushing from his cheeks to his ears, and his lower lip has a hint of red from where Akihiko bit. “Let’s… do things slowly.”

“Ah,” Akihiko mutters, and he takes a step back. “Sorry.”

“I mean,” Haruki continues. “We can do _it_, but, please take it slow.”

Akihiko blinks as realization dawns on him. Haruki is letting him touch Haruki.

So, he does.

*

It is different.

Akihiko _tries,_ he really does, but it’s so hard to do it slow, when Haruki is expressive; voicing out his pleasure while also holding onto Akihiko, not wanting to let go.

Not that Akihiko will ever let him go, again.

He rubs the corner of Haruki’s eye, wiping the tears there, as he gazes down at his eyes. His hands trace down on Haruki’s skin, and Haruki’s hands mimic them. It’s hard, but Akihiko tries, as they learn again, about each other.


End file.
